Nothing really happened during those months except the fact that I had gotten a job to help aid in the recovery process. I made it with out a self harm in any form. I guess I am recovered? Oh wait, I can’t be because I have the thoughts constantly. They never leave. It depresses the fuck out of me. I mean really deep down I think that I am only holding on because I promised that I would make it, or at least try to.
I moved from Houston to Austin, Texas, but I wasn’t happy there. Yes, I loved being there I felt like I could live there because I didn’t know anyone there who knew me at all. In all reality I wasn’t happy at the end of the day and I knew that I had to move back to Houston so that is what I did. Even though I hate it here, I need to finish out school and then I can transfer to somewhere no one knows who I am and what I’ve done. Maybe, just maybe by then I will be better and ‘Recovered’, but no one is ever completely recovered at all.
And now I wait.
Day 20, on this journey on this road of recovery. It has been hell, mentally. Today I had to go and decide on the dress that I would be wearing on Friday for the prom. I choose it, thinking mum would tell me no, not that one but mum’s mouth dropped when she saw me in the dress. It made me feel good. She told me that I looked beautiful- for my mum to say that she would either have to be high or actually saying it because it’s the truth for her. Then I got a sudden urge of wanting to harm when we went shoe shopping. It passed thankfully
Day 19, today I colored my mum’s hair and my own hair just to stay busy and to keep away from being on pins and needles. Blah. I hate the feeling of being on the edge of not being in control. It’s like I can be pushed over and I have no way of stopping myself. I decided I had to get an answer out of my mum so I asked her if it was a yes or a no. I was already ready for her to say no so when she told me yes I nearly passed out, well not really, but I did have to take a seat. So from there things started getting busy at last second. It was a good day/ evening.
Day 18, Today was an abnormal day to say the least. Today I had asked my mum if it was okay if I went to prom with my best friend. I am terrified of my mum, because she ALWAYS tell me no. She told me she would think about it. I started to lie on pins and needles. I kept hoping for the best- but I kept preparing for the worst. I honestly didn’t know how I would react if she would tell me no. So I walked through the day with a hazy feeling.
Day 17, today was kind of a decent day. Church was lovely. Church always makes me feel better. I stayed on the good side of bad for the most part of the day.
Day 16, today was a decent Saturday. I don’t really remember all that had happened, but it must have been pretty decent because I don’t remember if it was good or bad. That’s what bad about living in my head for too long I can’t remember days. I seem to pass over them and then I only remember little pieces.
Day 15, today was not a decent day I didn’t see the usual doctor today- nor did I see anyone of the medical field today. I have got to love the Standardized testing. It helped more than it should have- because if I would have seen my quack quack then I would have broken down, and most likely relapsed back to hurting myself when I had gotten home. I needed a day alone to be in my head.
Day 14, today was a stand still day. What more can I say when I numbed myself so that I didn’t have to feel. It seems pretty much better when my world is at a stand still. Nothing happens at all.
Day 13, today was a neutral day. I wanted to do something and yet nothing, and what I wanted to do, it didn’t make any sense. Guess that is just who I am.
Day 12, another day- another struggle, another act. Today so happened to be my sister’s birthday so we had met up at the coffee shop, and had dinner it was the worst thing for me, I felt so fat and disgusting. I know that I am not fat, nor am I a skinny person, I am about average, but when I eat I feel disgusted with myself.. This self destruction way of life I love it and yet I hate it, I am no longer normal in the things that I do. I kept my act on because it is safer that way. No one suspects a thing and I’d like to keep it that way.